Not now.
I made a quick breakfast and hurried out the door.
Grief followed along.
I turned around and said, “Not now, they cannot see me crying.”
I busied myself all day until I finally had some time to rest. I fell onto the chesterfield glad to have a minute to myself.
Grief whispered in my ear again. “Not now,” I said, “can’t you see how much I need this?”
So, grief sat right down beside me instead.
Not a single word.
No quiet breath. She just sat there on the next cushion.
I felt her but I did not want to look.
In a moment of curiosity, I glanced over at her presence.
Hands folded politely. Flowers in her hair.
Her skin soft and delicate.
She must have noticed my confusion.
“I know,” she said, “not now.”
“No – it’s okay,” I said.
“It’s just – I didn’t expect you to look like that.”
“Like what?” she asked.
“Beautiful, gentle, full of grace. And to think I pushed you away all day.”
Grief looked at me with tender eyes and said:
“You just hadn’t seen me dressed as love yet.”
(credit to Ullie Kaye @ulliekaypoetry)
In the beginning, I moved through life in a fog. I stayed busy, almost mechanically, because slowing down meant feeling- and feeling meant facing the truth that my life had been shattered. I resigned from my job just months after the funeral. As a manager, people counted on me, and I simply couldn’t give what I didn’t have. I did not count it as a failure but rather survival. I needed time for me and I was in the position to take that time. Afterall, I didn’t fully know what healing looked like for this. Grief doesn’t disappear; it changes shape. There are days, moments, now that I can read this poem and smile with a heart of gratitude. Smile for the time we had, gratitude to have been loved by someone so amazing, and gratitude for being vulnerable enough to love. Grief exists because love came first, love always comes first. Grief is the death of something or someone you love. Divorce is the death of a marriage, death of a version of ourselves, the loss of a dream job, the list goes on. Grief is woven into the human experience, yet we as a society are uncomfortable and awkward with it. In this Holiday season and every day I challenge all of you to allow your heart and mind to see grief dressed as love. I know not every day is rainbows and butterflies, give yourself some grace, breathe, and do not deny grief, you can’t run from it, trust me I tried. Its uncomfortable, its vulnerable, after all Grief is MESSY. Find someone that holds space for you, most importantly, hold space for yourself, you are the first witness in your own grief.
Blessings,
Mandy